Insecurity

So I’ve successfully been doing mobilizations and PT exercises and crap for the last few days, and I think it’s possible some of it has caught up with me today,  which means no PT exercises ’til tomorrow, just to play it safe. Soreness. Grr. Very satisfying when it’s from doing things that would make a normal person sore. Not so much when it’s from doing teensy, tiny, baby exercises.

Also, trying to figure out what to do about living with a parental unit who stresses me out. Not helpful for stress levels or pain levels, but difficult to change. Sigh. Conundrum.

Living with a parent is also one of those things that frustrates me in general. In spite of the fact that I think given the circumstances of my life, I’ve made some pretty good decisions with regard to how I’ve approached school and living arrangements, it’s hard sometimes not to feel kind of pathetic still living with and being supported by parents at this age. Given my present condition, there are very few jobs I’d really be physically and emotionally capable of holding down until I work shit out, and I recognize that it’s important to have this time to work shit out and such. It’s still difficult to shake the feeling the everyone else is out on their own and there’s something wrong with the fact that I’m not.

It’s one of the most difficult inner battles for anyone with depression, I think. Fighting the urge to look around you at everyone who seems to have their shit together and just feel pathetic. The feeling pathetic doesn’t help anything, so most of the time I try to ignore it, or argue it down, or something. Ultimately, I think anyone in my position would be having similar difficulties with life in general. But there’s always that voice that insists on comparing you to all of the people who don’t have horrible pain and depression issues and insisting that you should be able to be doing what they’re doing. That voice is hard to silence. Totally unreasonable, and yet I’ve never found a way to make it shut up.

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2 comments on “Insecurity

  1. Very, very few people actually have their shit together, in my experience at least. Everybody puts on a front for interactions with other people. Facebook makes it even worse. But the more I’ve gotten to know just about everyone I know, the more I find out that everyone has something difficult to deal with, and everyone’s comparing themselves to other people asking themselves, “Why can’t I do it all like they can?” The people who you think have it all together — they probably do have it at least fairly together on the particular things you’re struggling with right now, but you can’t see or aren’t looking for the areas in which they are struggling. I promise you those areas are there.

  2. I had the hardest time dealing with this when I had to move back home last year. And feeling pathetic is awful, because it just makes every things you’ve viewed as a win look lesser than it is. But I’ve learned a little exercise to silence that voice wanting to compare myself to everyone. Simply when I notice I’m doing it I just shout (not out loud) “CHECK YOURSELF, everyone lives life differently, being alive is what matters, STOP”, doesn’t always help, but it works for me sometimes.

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