Here, Have Some Vagueness

Well, for various different reasons, I’m going to have to be vague about a lot of the things that happened this week. The last few days have been intense for a number of reasons. I’ve been working to figure out exactly how school is going to go for me over this next year–there are a few different options I may be able to pursue for completing it, and I’m examining them as well as I can before making a decision. I’ve also been dealing with some emotional stuff in my personal life that I’m not going to go into detail about here, but suffice to day I’ve been kind of down for the last day or so. On the brighter side of that, I think I’ve managed to avoid letting it trigger a full-scale depressive episode, and to keep everything in perspective. There’s a difference between being sad and being depressed, and while I don’t particularly like feeling sad, it beats the shit out of depression any day.

Also on the brighter side of things, I’ve worked out a super-secret plan for incentivizing getting some programming done. So that’s a positive thing.

I’ve also been experiencing some changes in the ways I interact with people over the last week or two. I’ve been able to relax a bit more about talking with people, telling jokes, cuddling, and just a myriad of different little things in general that were more difficult to not be anxious about before I started working on not being so hard on myself. Hopefully that’s a trend that will continue.

I find that the more I feel like I’m making progress, the more I get a sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is frustrating, but if things go well, I presume it will pass in time. I think that sense is largely a factor of going outside my comfort zone in a number of different ways. As such, I think it’s reasonable to presume that if things keep going well and I keep pushing myself to keep doing what I’m doing, eventually my comfort zone will expand to fit the space I’m currently occupying, and that fear of the other shoe will dissipate.

Here’s hoping, anyway.