Conversation About Depression and Suicide

I had a long conversation with a friend yesterday about various depression related things. I felt like a lot of what was touched on was a good window into some of what’s it’s like being depressed and dealing with suicidal ideation, so I’m posting a bunch of it here.

12 hours ago Me

There was a time a few years ago when I was suicidal

I remember reading something somewhere that asked the reader where they thought they would be in a year, and I instinctively thought, “dead”.

I was wrong

Sometimes, like then, you can’t imagine that another shoe won’t drop

and honestly

I think there’s a part of my brain that likes doing it

always being afraid of the other shoe dropping

because then at least if it does, it’s not like the rug getting pulled out from under you. It’s not like you weren’t ready for it, expecting it, whatever. Sometimes I think I feel better being right than being happy

Or being right about things going wrong anyway

I don’t know why that is

But I try and fight it

12 hours ago Friend

I really understand what you mean. I love talking to you, I feel so alone with these feelings a lot

The only thing that keeps me from it most times is thinking how awful it would make life for those around me

I guess I keep thinking, I’d rather be dead then watch my life fall apart and fail again

12 hours ago Me

I really, really know what you mean

12 hours ago Friend

but suicide is a cop out… I feel like a hypocrite, I send so much time telling people how to fight it even when I almost lose to it so often

12 hours ago Me

we all suck at it, I think

12 hours ago Friend

but then again, we are the best to give advice

I don’t think you can really know what it is like tell you’ve been to the edge

the feeling of auto pilot your mind goes into

all you want is to fix it

its weird, planning it at times, almost makes me feel better

like having a morbid back up plan

12 hours ago Me

yeah

one thing that has helped me not do it

Is that I find the idea of trying it and fucking up to be intensely terrifying

Having to be around when everyone finds out I gave it a go. That is a really terrifying thought

helpfully terrifying, in a way

it makes it a lot harder to consider

12 hours ago Friend

yeah, I guess in my mind I came up with a fool prof plan… but then again, I think about the damage and possibly hurting someone else in the process

12 hours ago Me

You know

when all this had just started happening

and I was really, really in a dangerous place

I was talking to a friend of mine about it

and

it was the silliest thing in a way

People don’t get what it’s like dealing with this amount of pain

and one of the things I was most afraid of about suicide

was the idea that people would be mad at me for doing it

12 hours ago Friend

yeah, I kept getting into the angry mood of “why do the people who love me want me to live this way, in this much pain, in a state of constant self hate… I don’t belong in this world”

12 hours ago Me

yeah

I think that was a big part of the reason I didn’t

Because I felt like I wouldn’t feel right about it if I hadn’t given it my best shot, and I knew there were still things I hadn’t tried

12 hours ago Friend

yeah… I guess the idea of new experiences keeps me around too. I feel my best when I’m helping people I’d love to make that my career. I think that is the reason I want to teach, it’d be doing that all the time.

12 hours ago Me

yeah

another thing

is that I know technology and science is always advancing

I would kill myself if I thought I would have to live with the kind of pain I was dealing with when this all started for the rest of my life. I don’t have much in the way of illusions about that

but

that’s not a thing I can know

we don’t know very well how to deal with this shit right now

but in ten years

or 20

we might have a perfect cure

and I will have stupidly missed it

12 hours ago Friend

it is true, medicine is getting better

Even what I’ve been taking gets better

and I keep thinking that doing it would be the worst derailing, I’ve made such a comeback, but I keep thinking it will never be enough

I lot of it stems from self hate

12 hours ago Me

So, I guess I’ve written about this before, that I don’t know where to draw the line between accepting/indulging in/identifying with in engative feelings and trying to change them, and I don’t know which this would be. But I wrote the closest to a suicide note I’ve ever written a few years ago. You would be welcome to see it if you like. If it would help somehow.

12 hours ago Friend

yeah. it would. I wrote one a long time ago… when I made my attempt… I remember seeing it right after I got out of hospital it seemed so weird, like it was written by another person

12 hours ago Me

gurgh

I still identify with this one in a lot of ways. Or remember how it felt, anyway. I still *can* identify with it.

I think that’s one of the scary things with me

I do feel like I’ve been making progress

but at the same time

I feel like all that bad stuff is always just a few steps away. A few bad days, or whatever

and that’s really…ergh

12 hours ago Me

I want to not remember what that’s like

12 hours ago Friend

yeah.. I know that feeling

wishing you could rewrite your history

rewrite everything you did wrong

all the dark parts

12 hours ago Me

I mean, I want to remember it, but I want it to seem alien. It’s like I have this suicidal jacket hanging on the door, and I haven’t worn it for a while, but I could if I wanted, just put it right back on. I want to have thrown it out and had it taken away to a junkyard somewhere and to barely remember what it looked like. To be forgetting little details about it that were once incredibly familiar. Like an old relationship.

12 hours ago Friend

yeah… I understand. Wishing it was a hazy memory

12 hours ago Me

Did you read that Bruce thing I linked a few days ago?

12 hours ago Friend

can you send me a direct link?

12 hours ago Me

http://www.starcitygames.com/magic/misc/2005_Stuck_In_The_Middle_With_Bruce.html

It’s kind of similar to how I think about that waiting for the other shoe to drop thing

12 hours ago Friend

I love this

12 hours ago Me

Oh, I sent the note thing, also

It is weirdly similar, though, isn’t it?

12 hours ago Friend

it is

also sad

I’m so sorry you felt so bad

it breaks my heart to think that someone can feel like that

12 hours ago Me

I don’t know what it is about me. Though I like to think i’m figuring out bits and pieces of it

I probably am

But I do genuinely have a lot of trouble connecting with people, which I think is a lot of it

or rather, feeling connected with people

12 hours ago Friend

yeah… I feel so isolated all the time

like I said, just not meant to be in this world

like I was born wrong

12 hours ago Me

I just feel like…I don’t know. A lot of times I inntuitively feel like it’s the situation. Kind of like it’s the world that was designed wrong. That I could be happy in the right situation, but that situation just doesn’t exist. But it should, dammit, but it doesn’t.

12 hours ago Friend

I understand tat

that

a lot of my thoughts are “I would be happy if…”

12 hours ago Me

yeah

One thing I think I know

Concepts are way more important than anybody understands

Conceptual prisons are way more powerful than real ones in a lot of ways

Greta Christina once wrote a post about whether or not cheating is ever okay

and she talked about some cases

like

if a person were in a marriage with children and a spouse that refused to provide them affection or sex or any of the things people want relationships for, and cheating was the only way to have needs fulfilled without destroying a family

and I think that can be argued either way

but

There’s something a lot of it hinges on for me

which is whether or not the person has a concept of the idea that divorce can be okay, or that nonmonogamy can be okay, or that it’s even okay to be not okay with a situation like that

I think there are people who have never been exposed to ideas like those who haven’t come up with them on their own

I just, I think similarly about depression. Like, there are probably all of these concepts. Zillions and zillions of them that I’ve never thought of, that might entirely change my perception of myself and the world and everything

It’s almost the same as faith in technology and medicine. I think there are ideas to be discovered, by society, and by just me, that might turn everything around.

In a lot fo ways I’m the same as I was in high school, but in others I’m barely recognizable. And I think that’s because of concepts

11 hours ago Friend

haha I feel that way

I look back at myself a few years ago

before I reframed the way I thought

the difference is amazing

11 hours ago Me

yeah

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