Well, stress has hit a bit of a high point, it seems, and I’m combating a significant dip in mood. There are a lot of factors that have contributed to this. Feeling like I need to study my ass off to be doing well at work, expending my remaining energy attempting to meet people (also several of the people I have met and at least one I was planning to meet are out of town at the same time, in a sort of inverted serendipity), and some complicated personal life issues.
So today is really sucking.
It’s one of those strange things about sucky days when dealing with depression that you can identify the bright spots without feeling good about them. Identification is something, though. It may be a positive indicator that I am, in fact, thinking of this as a spot of depression, and not as part of an ongoing journey through a world of depression.
Mostly, I think I just need to meet a few more people and find a few more relaxing things to keep busy with on my time away from work. As much as I have confidence in my ability to be an enjoyable person to spend time with, there’s something very anxiety-inducing about the sense of lack of control you get when trying to build a group of friends in a new place. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I manage to find a solid group of people to spend time with. Once I manage to find people to meet and places to meet people, I think the rest will follow easily. For the first time in my life really, I’m pretty confident in my ability to make a good impression. And what’s better, I’m pretty confident that my ability to make a good impression on people is because I’m able to be myself, rather than because of any pretending. It’s just the foot in the door part, the finding people sufficiently interesting and compatible that the connection starts to take over and roll along on its own.
I was thinking today about the idea of being charming. One of my old therapists once told me I was, and I’ve never forgotten it. I imagine it’s generally true. I don’t feel like charming is really something you direct at someone, the way it’s often portrayed. E.g. I hate the phrase “good with women”, because thinking about the idea of being charming in those terms makes it sound like something you direct at people, rather than something you share with them. I think being conversationally charming (at least my style of it) is a result of being able to invite someone into the type of fun you like to have in conversations.
Anyway, I’m rambling. Off to attempt to find something social to do.