I just realized one of the things I was driving toward in the last post.
There’s a part of my brain that still thinks like I used to. That part of my brain thinks that treating sex the way I’m treating it is wrong. That part of my brain thinks that approaching sex in the more casual way that I often do now is disrespectful to the people I’m doing it with. That part of my brain expects other people to buy into the narrative I’ve just barely managed to escape.
I think what I really want right now is just to be told that it’s okay. Because I think it is okay. I’m honest and open and communicative about what I’m doing. I’m safe, I respect people to the best of my ability.
I’ve always had the inclination to take care of the people in my life to an extent that isn’t healthy for me or for them. It isn’t healthy for me because I don’t have the spoons to be as caretaker-y as I feel inclined to be, and it isn’t healthy for them because it means I don’t trust them to be able to handle their own shit. That’s one of the things I’ve been saying to myself recently: there’ a balance you don’t want to be too far on either side of. You don’t want to be a cold, uncaring person, but you also don’t want to overdo the caring about people to such an extent that you don’t let them do it for themselves, which is an important thing for everyone to learn. It’s an important thing for me to learn.
Anyway, back to the sex thing. As a result of the world in which I grew up, it’s easy to feel like enjoying casual sex or not wanting to be monogamous is somehow doing it wrong. That it’s cheating the system, or that it’s disrespectful of the people you’re doing it with, or that it’s simply wrong.
But even if it turned out to be the wrong way of going about things, that wouldn’t make it wrong to have tried. Doing the experiments you need to do to find out how you want to live is important. Maybe some day I’ll discover I do want to be monogamous, or that casual sex is just as bad as I thought growing up. Who knows. In any case, I certainly haven’t discovered that yet. For the time being, there’s still research to be done to figure it all out. Since I don’t know all the answers yet, experimentation is really all there is to do. I have a responsibility to figure this shit out.
That philosophy is more or less the reason for the name of the blog. Didn’t realize I’d be coming to that, but…well, here we are.