My approach to sex and sexuality has changed drastically over the past year. So much so that I feel like I’m a kid again, in a sense—just learning the ropes of a new set of concepts and emotional responses to things. It’s hard to describe. I feel like I’m in an entirely new space, and as such, like I’m flying blind.
It’s not as terrifying as it would’ve been once. I am flying blind, but I’ve flown blind a few times now, and I have a bit of a better hang on it than before.
A few months ago I experienced, for the first time, a hook-up where I didn’t worry in the slightest about what it meant or where it was going. It was just a fun thing I was doing with a friend, and that was that.
I like that sensation. There is a certain desensitization that comes with it, but all in all, it makes things much more comfortable.
The biggest change has been that I’ve gone from thinking of sex as a Big Fucking Deal, to just another fun thing I can do with people. It can still be emotional and complicated and intense, but so can just about anything.
Another change has been realizing, slowly, that I’m not the only one who’s like this. I tend to assume other people think the same way I do, and I spent so much of my life making a big deal about sex that I assume that’s how everyone else comes at it, too. Turns out they don’t. I know, weird, right?
There’s a part of my brain that still, shall we say, keeps to the old ways. It watches me not processing and reprocessing and worrying and is waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It’s the weird thing about emotional/conceptual trailblazing—you always think of the old way of doing things as right and safe. I had a conversation about polyamory the other day which touched on this. A couple new to poly was talking about worrying what their motivations were for wanting to have other partners. You always worry about the new trail, not so much the trail that’s already been blazed. Even though, let’s face it, you rarely have any knowledge of who did the original blazing and whether or not they knew what the fuck they were doing.
Mostly just thinking out loud, not sure where I’m going with this. Maybe I’ll know when I get there.