Thoughts on the Idea of Being a Good Kisser

I don’t understand the idea of being a good kisser. I can parse what people are talking about only theoretically when they use terms like “good kisser”. I’ve been told, on occasion, that I’m a good kisser, which is, in it’s own way, a nice thing to hear, but most of the time I find it a profoundly weird thing to hear. I don’t think of kissing as a skill.

In fact, now that I think on it, this reminds me of a conversation I had joking about the idea of someone advertising themselves as a “professional” boyfriend, as though that would be a reason to go out with them. That’s not something you get “professional” at really. Granted, there are certain important skills to have, but having those skills doesn’t in and of itself make you a good boyfriend for a particular person. Being a good match for that person does.

I don’t want to be a “professional” kisser. I want to be kissing you. When I kiss I do it because I want the experience of being plugged directly into the raw feed from your brain. To the extent that it has anything to do with skill, I would imagine it has to do with the ability to relax, to not think about what you’re doing, to just allow the flow of that indefinable, intuitive, fantastic exchange of analog brain.

It’s a lot like conversation. You can be a decent conversationalist or a crappy one, but there’s a type of conversational resonance that happens when you’re paired with particular people that’s largely independent of conversational skill. A large vocabulary is nice, but it takes a backseat to conversational resonance, and to just being able to relax.

The times I have experienced unpleasant kisses have uniformly involved people I didn’t feel particularly connected to. Those people have had a wide range of styles. But the reason I haven’t enjoyed kissing them hasn’t ever felt like it had much to do with style. I wonder sometimes if it had to do with the fact that I might have been kissing someone who thinks of it in terms of skill. I just don’t find that idea sexy. I don’t want people to want to kiss me because I’m good at it, I want them to want to kiss me because I’m me. If I think someone is a good kisser, I don’t think of it as being because of “that thing they do”—if you’re thinking about doing “that thing you do”, I don’t particularly care how good you are at it, you’re spending concentration on “that thing you do” that you could be spending on me, and that probably comes across, and it probably makes the whole thing less sexy than if you’d just stop doing that thing and focus on who you’re doing it with.

6 comments on “Thoughts on the Idea of Being a Good Kisser

  1. Pingback: Thoughts on Kissing and Being a Good Listener | Research to be Done

  2. Okay… why can’t “being a good kisser” *mean* being good at “allow[ing] the flow of that indefinable, intuitive, fantastic exchange”? That’s what I think it means … sure, there’s probably a “not slobbering all over the place” component, and a “not suffocating the other person” component … but being compassionate and responsive to the other person is the core of it, IMHO.

    • I think my reasoning behind it is that there are some people you will never, ever be a good kisser with, no matter how “good” you are at that stuff, because the resonance is such a fundamentally important ingredient. There are certain relevant skills that you could call good at kissing, but they’re not generalizable, because the most important factor that goes into enjoyable kissing is one that’s almost completely independent of that skill. I.e. a person who’s really experienced at kissing can still have a horrible time with someone they’re uncomfortable with and a person who’s nervous and inexperienced can still have a wonderful time with someone who makes them feel comfortable enough that they don’t get in their own way.

      • Well, I would say that someone who kisses someone else despite someone else being really uncomfortable with it is not a good kisser, and someone who makes their partner feel comfortable regardless of experience level is a good kisser. I think you’re conflating “enjoying yourself” and “being skilled.”

        I do see what you’re saying, though … mostly I just think you should lighten up and accept a compliment for what it is. 😉

      • Fair enough, though I’ll probably be bad at that. For the same reasons as in the physical attractiveness post: it just doesn’t *feel* like it’s about me.

        Maybe that’s a lot of what it comes down to for me: I like feeling like the reasons someone enjoys something with me are about me specifically, not as a point on a scale of technical skill, but as something unique. When I do feel like it’s about being at a high point on a scale, I feel insecure (and often just not very satisfied), even when someone is telling me I’m high up on that scale, because I don’t feel like I have much control over where I am relative to the people I happen to be with, and because I find it makes the whole thing less enjoyable to think about it in those terms in the first place.

    • I think I mentioned to you once that a friend of mine and I made out once, and I was one of the first people she had kissed. Talking about it afterward, she said she felt like she could’ve done better, and I thought that was silly. I really enjoyed that kiss, not because she was “good at it”, but because it felt special to me–that’s the part I remember about it, and the part that has had by the the most impact on how I feel about it in retrospect.

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