Staying Optimistic About Finding Partners

I’m…more or less single at the moment, for reasonably kinky, slutty values of single. I don’t generally put sex or kink in the same category as relationships in my head anymore.

I don’t have anyone in my life at the moment I’m interested in pursuing a long-term relationship with. There are plenty of people I like having around and doing occasional fun sexy things with, but no one I get that primal urge to construct a relationship with. That’s the difference between casual and serious for me: the urge, not just to spend time together, but to spend that time actively building a closer relationship.

With respect to those types of relationships, I’m single. Like many single people, I sometimes find this disheartening. It’s easy, when you’re looking for partnerships, to think, “If I’ve been trying to find them for this long and I don’t feel any closer to success, how will I ever find them?”

Finding good relationships isn’t like building houses, though. If you’re building a house, you know when you’re halfway done, because you’ve got half a house in front of you. There is no “half done” point with finding compatible partners. The problem is that my brain insists on thinking as thought there is—it insists on thinking of it in terms of a rate of progress. As in, “I don’t feel like I’m halfway finished finding an awesome relationship right now, and I’m mid twenties, therefore, by the numbers, I’ll be at least fifty before I ‘finish’ finding one.”

It seems silly, but it’s how my brain reflexively works. I’ve been trying to actively counter that thought process lately with the more accurate version of things: in truth, finding an awesome relationship isn’t a long project that you start, work on, and finish. Finding an awesome relationship takes all of ten minutes. It takes as long as it takes to meet someone with whom you have that wild compatibility.

It feels like if it’s taken this long and I’m “only this far”, that it’s going to be much longer before I’m as far as I want to be. The reality is that ten minutes from now I might meet someone and feel further toward that goal than I have in years.

Food for thought. Single-person pessimism is sometimes rooted in a very silly way of looking at things. It’s much easier to be optimistic when you realize that and can adjust the predictive timescale accordingly.

After all, even it doesn’t happen in the next ten minutes, it could easily happen in the ten after that.