What Makes Sex Sexy for Me

I’ve been mulling over my recent revelation about not finding stereotypical approaches to sexiness very sexy, and I’ve decided I want to write more about what I think makes for sexy sex. So I’ve made myself a list of sexy sex things. Naturally, these are for me in particular (though I imagine I share many of them with many others), and naturally, I don’t want all of these things to be there in every encounter (e.g. sometimes intensity is awesome and sometimes I just want a lazy, relaxed fuck, also generally things like silliness and intensity don’t combine well—silliness is a tension breaker and intensity is often about playing with tension), but all of them often have the effect of making things awesome.

Freedom

I think one of the sexiest things a sex partner can do is to make me feel like I’m free to be weird and fuck up. That doing what I want to do is okay, not in the sense that I can steamroll boundaries, but in the sense that I don’t have to spend our sexytime striving toward a standard. Board games are more fun when you don’t care about winning and sex is more fun when you don’t care about being the best or ruining the moment*. Life is short, have fun, be silly, don’t try to adhere to a standard and don’t worry about fucking up. I like sex better when I feel like I have the freedom to be weird and fuck up without the world ending. Sometimes someone will accidentally elbow someone, sometimes bits will pop out of other bits unexpectedly, sometimes someone will fall off the bed. Sometimes silly noises will happen. Let’s not be mortified, let’s giggle at them because that shit is silly and then let’s get on with the fucking.

Sometimes I won’t come, and sometimes a partner won’t. Sometimes someone will come early. It’s not a big deal, and sex is better when we accept that get back to the business of having fun.

Sex isn’t about never fucking up, it’s about knowing that we will and not making it a big deal.

Forwardness

I love it when people are forward. It can mean saying, “Hold still so I can grind against you like this”, or, “I want your cock in my mouth”, or “Let’s do the Retrograde Wheelbarrow position”. It can also mean being forward physically. Grinding against someone, turning them over, etc.

Hot.

Silliness

Did you know you can demonstrate the principles of potential and kinetic energy with boobs? Now you do. You’re welcome.

Sticking your tongue out at the crystal palace

See that? I’m referencing Dostoevsky in a conversation about sex because I am a Serious Writer with Serious Writer Pants**.

Er, anyways…

There’s just something about doing things you’re not supposed to do. I think one of the most romantic Post Secrets I ever read was one about how the subject and her husband pee in the shower together. I thought that was utterly adorable.

I think an enormous quantity of the fetishes out there boil down to this. Sex in public, the mile-high club, the Catholic schoolgirl thing, doing it on a table, etc. They’re basically about saying, “Hah! We’re not supposed to do this, but we’re doing it the fuck anyway!”

There’s just something about it, isn’t there?

Intensity/Tension

Eye contact. Slow, painful, deliberate scratching. Gripping. Hard.

Conversation

Not all the time, but a level of comfort with talking is important. Whether it’s, “Oh, that was interesting.”, or “Have you ever tried this?”, or “What time do we have to get to the restaurant, again?”, or “I’m not sure that’s as accurate a representation of potential and kinetic energy as you seem to think it is.”

Science References

What? I’m a geek. Sue me.

Asking Permission

No, seriously. I love it when someone asks me permission to do something. I can’t ever remember a time it’s been a turn-off. I like having my hair pulled, but I like to be asked for a green light. I like to kiss, but I don’t generally like having moves made on me. Pretty much anything I might want to do with someone, I want to do even more if they ask if it’s okay.

I like talking about this stuff. I like doing it for myself, and I hope that in doing it some of the other people who like some of the things I like will feel a little more comfortable liking them. So there you go.

…aaaaaaand post!

 


*In fact, you know what? Ruin the moment on a regular basis. Hell, destroy the moment. Obliterate it. Lay waste to its entire culture and all neighboring civilizations. Let its cities burn and don’t send rescue workers. That way you’ll learn that ruining the moment is not a big deal. If you don’t make ruining the moment a big deal, you’ll probably have a lot more fun and a lot more good moments.

**Seriously, though, I’ve always liked the crystal palace allegory.