Threesome Retrospective

In a delightful and entirely unexpected turn of events, my Valentine’s Day this February 14th was kicked off with my first-ever threesome. I’ve decided, both because I like remembering it and because I enjoy processing the interesting little details of things like this, to write a little retrospective post. This is the part where I warn you about explicit details and such. WAAAAAAARN! There, you’ve been warned. Now, onward to the threesome story!

I’ve been wanting to have a threesome at some point for quite some time, but people and circumstances never lined up quite the right way at the right time for it to happen before now. That they lined up the way they did this past week was as unexpected as it was sudden.

I had planned to spend some time with a friend of mine I hadn’t hung out with in a while (who we will call John). What I had expected to be just me and him hanging out ended up, via a series of unexpected circumstances, as a hangout with me, him, his wife, a friend of theirs (who, incidentally, is the only non-poly character in this particular tale), and an unexpectedly-stranded-in-the-area couchsurfer they had agreed to put up for the night (who we will call Jane — at this point, you can probably guess who the main characters in this story are going to be).

The hanging out, itself, consisted mostly of snacking on edamame, making dinner, chatting with everyone, and Jane and I flirting with each other a lot. Good people, good conversation. There was some talk about poly, in particular, which I always find interesting. After dinner was completed and consumed, hanging out moved from the kitchen to the living room, and conversation and flirtiness continued. A little while later, John and Jane were in the kitchen as I was walking by, and Jane called me in and basically point-blank asked me if I wanted to have a threesome with them. I replied in the affirmative.

The actual threesome didn’t happen until much later in the evening, and the time in between is a bit of a blur. I remember making out with Jane in the kitchen a bit, I remember watching Iron Sky with everybody (which, if you’ve heard of it, is exactly as bad as you think, and, if you haven’t heard of it, is exactly as bad as my implication that it’s exactly as bad as people would think will probably lead you to think), and cuddling with Jane throughout. I’m not exactly sure what time the movie ended, but given that the next time I was conscious of the time was about 5:40 in the morning, it was past midnight (which, though we didn’t realize it at the time, meant that the festivities commenced on Valentine’s Day).

When the movie ended, the non-threesome-participating folks went to bed, and John went upstairs for a bit, leaving Jane and I to fool around and start the boundaries and testing status conversation (which, incidentally, is always nicer to have with people who are informed about STIs in general, and in this case people were). John rejoined us to finish up that conversation, we all moved into a bedroom, and the fucking commenced, with special guest appearances by a violet wand, an njoy pure wand, and a Hitachi Magic Wand.

It’s funny, the little things that you notice that you never would’ve anticipated, but that seem utterly obvious in retrospect. Since John and I are both predominantly straight, the threesome consisted mostly of he and I interacting with Jane. As a result, it was harder to tell if I was doing a good job at something than it usually is.

In my head: “Oh, a happy noise, whatever I just did must’ve been a good idea! But I didn’t really do anything different that I was doing bef-OH! John is doing a thing; that makes way more sense!”

Lesson learned: when you’re working with a co-conspirator, you’re never as sure whether it’s a you’re-doing-a-great-job noise, or a they’re-doing-a-great-job noise.

I was, also, over the whole course of the proceedings, nervous (although having fun). I imagine that’s largely inevitable at your first threesome. Nervousness worked out the way it usually does where my bits are concerned — that is, my bits were uncooperative until the nervousness dissipated, in a manner that I feel is best illustrated by the following conversation:

*sexytimes start*

Me: Alright, Penis, ready to have some fun?

Penis: FUCK YOU, YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!

*a while later, sexytimes stop and sleep is attempted*

Penis: I AM SO READY GUYS WHERE IS EVERYONE?!

… GUYS?

John had left to sleep on his own at that point, but Jane was amenable to continuing to forgo sleep after the above abrupt change in the bits-climate. As a result, we pretty much didn’t get any sleep at all, and walking upstairs was significantly more difficult than it usually is the next morning. Funnily enough, I didn’t really mind.

I learned some things about myself during all this. I learned that my heterosexuality is significantly more flexible in contexts like this, which I’ll have to remember in the event of any future similarly-configured threesomes. I also learned that I’m prone, to an extent, to get insecure about performing as well, sexually, as the other people involved in things like this. With respect to this tendency, I think the combination of fun, laid-back personalities in this particular threesome was close to ideal — we were all basically just friends hanging out and fucking, which had an ameliorating effect on my insecurities. I also found that I enjoy the male-male-female configuration as much as I thought I would. Two-on-one is a fun way to play the game.

In terms of chronic pain, having sex is always a striking experience for me, because it drives home the point of just how neurological my issues are. There is zero question in my mind that almost every time I have sex, including this one, I get way more exercise than I am normally capable of getting without a significant increase in pain. The last time I tried to take this, experimentally, to its logical conclusion, and get more exercise, though, I ended up with injured shoulders, so I’m not really sure what to make of the whole thing. In this case, the experience didn’t have a particularly significant impact on my level of pain one way or the other, which was nice.

I wish I were able to write a more detailed, sexy play-by-play story of how everything actually proceeded, but, first, I don’t really know how to write like that, and, second, I really only remember it in little disjointed snippets. Holding on to Jane while John used the violet wand on her so I didn’t get shocked myself (I’m not actually much of a fan of electricity)… John describing and then executing the ins and outs of the pure wand, and then having me give it a whirl… making out with Jane… fucking… grabbing a breast, only to find that someone else was already on it… trying to figure out whose arm that was… making out with Jane while John fucked her from behind, and feeling the impacts travel through her body… almost crushing my glasses… having PIV sex with Jane after a brief period of failing to sleep, the feeling of holding on to her for better thrusting leverage… showering with them in the morning… expressing my enthusiasm for Jane’s butt by writing “BUTT!” in the condensation on the bathroom mirror…

It was a pretty good time, overall 🙂


Addendum: I love poly. Conversation with the wife this morning:

me: Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you, just to make sure, that you were cool with everything that happened the other day. Both in the sense of the threesome itself, and in the level of flirtatiousness beforehand. I got the impression that you were (author’s note: we’ve known each other for a while, so this was a very strong impression reinforced my my confidence in both her and her husband to have been able to communicate any potential objections at the time, or I’d have made sure to ask her point blank at the time), but wanted to give you a deliberate opportunity to say if there was anything about which you weren’t
her:
I’m totally okay on all fronts
me: cool :-)
her: Except the fucking on the blankets instead of the sheets!
I mean.. c’mon. Now I have to wash those too.  :P
me: hahahahahahahaha
her: But otherwise, totally okay on all fronts. :D
Advertisements

One comment on “Threesome Retrospective

  1. Pingback: How I Meet Poly People | Research to be Done

Comments are closed.