I’m still dealing with repetitive stress issues. It’s hard to tell how they’re going. I have the option of working from home or going into an office at my current job. Last week, I worked entirely from home, because the office was closed. This week, it’s open again, and I decided to go in like normal yesterday, which seems to have been a bad idea. It’s harder to take effective breaks when you’re working sitting in an office, and where I felt like things might’ve been taking a turn for the better over the weekend, I feel like they got worse yesterday.
It’s incredibly difficult not to catastrophize about things like this. That is, not to think about worst-case scenarios. At the moment, I’m working about 20 hours a week and able to roughly break even on expenses. There is an indeterminate chance that if I were to increase my hours of working, my repetitive stress symptoms would get worse. There is a lesser, but still nonzero chance that they will get worse even at my current rate of work. If this happens, my options for employment are pretty limited. Nothing that involves a significant amount of typing, sitting all day, getting too much exercise, or stress in general is a very good option. As a result of this reality, and some complicated personal life stuff, I’ve been pretty on edge the last couple of days.
Life feels like a waiting game, and I’m waiting to find out if I’m fucked, professionally, or not, without feeling like I have much, if any, control over that, myself. There’s little that’s more frustrating than that sense of complete lack of control.
I’m examining a couple of other options for employment in addition to my current job. If my symptoms do manage to slowly get better, and I’m able to add another part-time thing to supplement my current income, I won’t be in bad shape. Although, at some point, I would very much like to be able to work full-time as a programmer, and these repetitive stress issues beg the question of whether or not that will ever be possible.
It’s a reality of these things that when you feel like you’re improving, you feel pretty good, and when you feel like you’re not, you feel like everything is completely out of your control. I’m feeling mostly the latter right now.