I have a lot of posts in the works right now, but I’m not particularly feeling like writing about any of them, so I think it may be time for a life update/brain vomit post to get through some of the things that are clogging up my brain.
Life is, well, going. In light of having recently had a pretty bad dip in terms of my depression, I’ve been looking for a therapist. So far I’ve found one that I like who is out of network with respect to my insurance, and I’m doing the best I can to find someone who is in network (and will work for me) with less success.
Work’s been a little bit better than usual lately in spite of the tendonitis, because I’ve been working on some new stuff, and learning interesting shit as a result of it. Also, when I’m learning new shit, it means more time spent thinking, and thus correspondingly less time spent typing, which is a little healthier.
I feel like I have some emotional processing to do about the previously mentioned mini breakup. I’m not sure exactly what the processing entails, but there are definitely Unresolved Feelings of some sort or another that need to be figured out.
There are some Interesting Things for me coming up. Next week the girl from the threesome story from a while back will be back in town, and in about a month I will finally officially receive my BS. It will be nice to have college forever behind me in writing as well as practice.
The tendonitis is still making my life difficult, and still scary, although perhaps less so than a few weeks ago, now that I’m feeling fairly optimistic that it at least isn’t going to suddenly get massively worse. I’m having some internal struggles with feeling like my life isn’t going anywhere, strongly connected to the fact that the tendonitis means that my work and free time options are incredibly limited. I’m trying to be optimistic that it will eventually get better somehow, and having very mixed results. It’s hard to be optimistic that a pain issue will get better when my previous significant pain issue lasted for 10 years, and still isn’t completely better.
On that note, I had my first significant back pain flareup in a while a few days ago, which was absolutely terrifying. The last thing I need right now is for that to start getting worse again. I’m guessing (and hoping) that it was a result of my having been experimenting with some rigorous exercise lately, because if that’s what it is, then it’s reasonable to expect it was a temporary thing resulting from the ramp-up – a thing likely to go away once my brain realizes that I know what it’s doing, and am capable of calling its bluff, even in the context of doing rigorous exercise.
I have been feeling a little less out of control with respect to my life circumstances and my depression over the last week or two. I’ve been getting a little bit better, I think, at not catastrophizing, and I’ve been putting together backup plans in the event that some of the catastrophes I’m afraid of happen. Knowing I have friends who will put me up if I end up completely failing at life is incredibly comforting, though I hope I never have to avail myself of them.
I’m not really sure where my life is going at the moment, but, as someone very wise recently said (in so many words), I’m open to the possibility that it isn’t all hopeless bullshit.