This week has been hard.
One of the unfortunate patterns that tend to crop up regularly with me goes like this: I have an injury I have to manage, which means I can’t do the normal things I do for exercise. I spend a while frustratingly trying to figure out some form of exercise that won’t aggravate whatever particular injury needs healing time. When I finally figure something out, I get excited about doing it, I do it a bunch, and I get injured in a way directly related to the new form of exercise.
This has actually happened to me quite a lot. When you really enjoy exercise, it takes a tremendous amount of willpower to take it slow when you find a form of exercise you can actually do after being without it for a long time.
This is how I ended up with tendonitis in my legs as well as arms. So that has been incredibly difficult.
I also, recently, started trying out a new technique for coding without having to type. It has been going pretty well, overall, but I had a day earlier this week where my tendonitis got fairly bad, anyway, which was incredibly discouraging. When you think you’re doing everything right, and pain still gets worse, it’s tend to be a very getting-the-rug-pulled-out-from-under-you kind of moment. None of my physical symptoms seem to have been going particularly well, lately, and I can’t really say anything new about that except that it really sucks, and it makes me wonder if any of the things I’m dealing with right now will ever get better.
A few weeks ago I started trying to do regular meditation. In general, this is what I’m working on right now. For the next few weeks, at least, I think my primary objective in terms of self-treatment will be to continue the meditation practice.
In other news, I have been figuring out things with a new casual partner, recently, and thus far that has provided some excellent moments and insights. It is pretty unusual for me to find people who are as enthusiastic and scientific about explicit consent and feelings conversations as I am, and I have found myself a combination of appreciative of and entertained by how similar New Partner and I are in this regard.
The result has been a lot of, “Seriously, this kind of moment would only happen to me.” things happening.
Though I am still having trouble feeling like some of my friendships are one-sided with respect to mutual engagement, I have also met a few people recently who have been proactive about spending time with me. I think, for the first time since I moved out here, I’m starting to have moments where I feel like friends who I have a satisfying level of interpersonal resonance and initiative-taking with are not in anxiety-inducingly short supply.
I always worry when I’m spending more time talking about personal things that people will get tired of this blog being about me instead of Topics Of Interest. Paradoxically, I think that the reason I have managed to keep up with this blog (unlike the other previous times I tried and failed to maintain blogs) is because it provides that sort of outlet.
One of the reasons I like writing about difficult personal stuff, also, is that I know that it’s possible that my life will get better.
A friend of mine and I used to wonder whether or not the kinds of awesome relationship resonance that we looked for in serious partners was actually ever possible. A little while ago, she ended up getting married to someone that she had found that with. I got to hear about it, and I got to be there at the wedding, and one of the greatest things about that was that it helped and still helps me to stay optimistic about finding similar things for myself. It helps me, now, in part because I knew this friend when she was despairing just as much as I sometimes do about finding awesome serious relationships. I knew her before she had found one, and I watched as the thing that we worried didn’t exist happened to her.
It’s hard to be pessimistic about never being able to find something when you have watched someone else be just as pessimistic as you and then find that something.
If my life gets to a point where it doesn’t feel like all of my decisions are ruled by what is least likely to aggravate pain symptoms, and where I generally feel more secure about my life and relationships, I want to remember this period. I want to have a record of exactly how bad things were, how frequently I despaired about things, and how hard everything was day-to-day.
I want to have that record so that I don’t fool myself about how hard things were, so that I can use it as an example of how things can get better when things inevitably get difficult again, and so that I can provide an example to others like the example that my friends marriage gave me.
If things do get better for me, I want to have this record of how bad they were so that other people dealing with depression and chronic pain and other difficult things can look at my example and be more optimistic, because, no, it really was that bad before, and it really did get to here from there.
In the meantime, while I am spending a lot of my time feeling shitty about pain or money or relationships or whatever else, I do have the respect of a lot of people whose respect I think matters, and for reasons that I think reflect an accurate perception of who I am, and that is an accomplishment that a lot of people never manage in their lives. So there is that.
I keep almost ending this post and feeling like the end is either unrepresentatively negative or unrepresentatively positive. So I’ll just end by saying that there are some shitty things going on and some nice things going on, and that overall life is pretty fucking difficult right now and… it goes on, I guess.