Having Dynamic Emotional States Feels Weird

I’ve been thinking a lot about this post lately.

I’ve been going through some depression. It’s a combination of circumstances that I don’t particularly feel like going into on the blog right now, but suffice to say I’ve had some pretty bad days. I’ve had some days of feeling intensely lonely, and some days of feeling just generalized awfulness with no apparent source.

Yesterday, I made myself go to a beginner waltz class.

I love dance. For me, dance is the ultimate social introvert activity. I don’t like groups, and dance is a perfect way to be social while operating entirely in serial with people. No group interaction, just a series of individual interactions that are too brief to get particularly awkward even if it turns out you don’t click very well. When I know what I’m doing, dance-wise, people enjoy dancing with me, and when I don’t, I find that dancing somehow supercharges my ability to be a charming conversationalist, and I can have a lot of fun with people just riding on that.

Dancing yesterday was incredibly fun, and I even found myself being really socially flirtatious with the woman I had the best chemistry with.

And then I came home, and I went to sleep, and I woke up, and the depressive exhaustion was back. I may go dancing again tonight, and it may be just as fun, and I may feel just as good, and then I may come home and feel the same swing back to the other end of the scale tomorrow morning.

It feels so strange to talk about how good going out dancing feels at the same time as I’m going through this depression stuff, because somehow I still haven’t intuitively grasped the idea that I can feel so good about things and so bad about things in the same span of time. I feel like I should just have some STATE that is relatively consistent, and not this ludicrously context-dependent existence.

STATE: PRETTY GOOD.

STATE: TERRIBLY BAD.

I don’t know. I’m just saying it’s weird, is all.

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One comment on “Having Dynamic Emotional States Feels Weird

  1. At least you are getting some reprieve. Like winter into spring. It doesn’t come all at once. It tries a little to warm up each day, then eventually spring is in full swing. Carry on! Much love and blessings to you.

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