How I Meet Poly People

I’ve been really busy the last few weeks, so haven’t had time to write, but a reader left a question about how to meet poly people in my inbox, so I figured I’d take the time to write a quick post in response.

My favorite ways to meet poly people:

First, OkCupid. OkCupid is a fantastic site for meeting other nonmonogamous people. It has a tremendous number of poly people on it, and aside from being a good place to find poly dates, this has been a great place for me to find poly friends. The last time I moved, I messaged a bunch of people who were high matches just to say, “Hey, I am about to move into this area and I’m trying to get to know some people before I arrive, would you be up for chatting a bit and then maybe getting coffee or something once I’m in town?”. I met several new friends that way, and almost all of them were poly.

Second, meetups. is an and I have found to be a great way to get to the site to find these — many cities have polyamorous meetup groups that meet weekly or monthly, and I have found these to be a great way to get to know local poly people.

Third, the BDSM community. If you’re not interested in BDSM at all, then this might not be the best strategy for you in particular, but for people who are interested in BDSM, the kink community is chock-full of nonmonogamous people in every style and configuration you can imagine. In my experience, it is nearly inevitable that you will meet poly kinksters.

Fourth, being out. Obviously there are environments and circumstances where it is dangerous to be out about non-monogamy, and I don’t intend this as blanket advice to be out in all places and circumstances, but where it is possible and reasonable, being out as poly can sometimes result in meeting poly people where you least expect them. I have gotten pretty comfortable being out as poly in social situations if the subject comes up. I don’t try to force it into conversation, but if it’s a comfortable space, I also don’t deliberately keep it out of the conversation. This has resulted in it coming up in conversation with people at dances, at get-togethers at friends houses, even at one point with coworkers (though the safety of it with coworkers depends on the type of workplace you are in).

Fifth, online. There are forums, Facebook groups, blogs, and subreddits dedicated to ethical non-monogamy. A number of the poly people I now know in real life I originally met online in discussions of polyamory. Meeting people online does make it less likely that the people you meet will live anywhere near you, but you still have an online community to connect with, and your paths may cross in real life more often than you expect.

Sixth, poly conferences. These can be expensive to attend and travel to, so not my first choice, but they can also be incredibly fun, and they are, of course, chock-full of poly people.

Hope this is helpful!