Thoughts On Being Excited About Sex

I’ve been trying to figure out how to just talk about sex.

With people who know me it’s easier. I would venture to say that in day-to-day life I am more comfortable talking about sex than most people are. What I’ve been trying to figure out is how to talk about it on my blog and social media.

My dating life is busier than it has been in quite some time at the moment. Parts of this are complicated and parts of it are great. I’m getting laid more than usual, I’m learning new things about new partners, I’m having silly awkward sexual moments, and I’m getting the kinds of compliments I absolutely love to get — “You are very easy to talk to.”, “I like the way you ask for things.”, “You’re a good feminist.” (although, to be fair, that last one resulted out of a slight misinterpretation of something I’d said, so it’s possible I didn’t really deserve it).

Incidentally, talking about feminist stuff while in bed with people is super fun and I am never more weirded out by guys who say feminism is ruining their sex lives than just after I’ve done that.

Here’s the thing: I get excited about getting laid, and I get excited about the times when I feel I can be good at sex, and I like being able to talk about the good moments and the silly moments that happen around sex.


But I’m in this culture of, for people who are perceived as male, Everything Is About Getting Laid And Demonstrating Sexual Prowess, and I don’t want to play into that culture when I talk about this stuff. I want to be able to be excited about having sex and the funny, interesting, sexy, or bizarre things that happen in and around sex, but I’m apprehensive about doing that because, in doing that, I don’t want to play into this Make Everything About Your Dick culture.

Maybe it’s one of those things I should just do unapologetically, and the manner in which I do it will bear out that that’s not the way I mean it. Then again, sometimes my responses to sex are as simple as “Oh my god, I got laid and it was awesome and I am awesome and everything is awesome!” and sometimes all I want to do is shout that to Twitter because I’m excited and I firmly believe that a world in which we can all let ourselves be excited about whatever random, silly things we’re excited about, whether Harry Potter or Dr. Who or cat pictures or sex or contra dancing or discovering the FedEx arrow, is a better world.

Without context, though, is such an expression of excitement playing into the more problematic parts of our culture? Is it harmfully perpetuating an unhealthy obsession with sex as conquest or social status? Is the way that I write about it, especially in a medium as brief as Twitter, sufficient to dissociate it from that culture? Is it necessarily even any different from their culture? Certainly, my own feelings on sex will have been influenced by the more harmful sexual attitudes I was surrounded by growing up just like the rest of us. Certainly, some of the ways that influences my opinions and behavior are probably still invisible to me.

So the question comes down to this: how do I allow myself to be fascinated and excited by sex in all the different ways that I am without playing into a culture that is obsessed with sex in some very unhealthy ways?

Right now I’m not sure.


3 comments on “Thoughts On Being Excited About Sex

  1. Talking about sex and relationships is one of my favorite things to do. I’m not worried about the sex-neg folks who want to shame me for my joyful assertion that “sex” is about pleasure. I’ll talk with anyone who is willing to talk back with me, and I’m an educator and volunteer in organizations that promote sex-positivity.

    And yes, talking “feminist stuff” next to the pillows can be very hot, because it can build intimacy.

    • And I think that sex-positivity is poles apart from what is really sex-negativity used to sell products. Advertising tells us that if we buy whatever is being sold, we’ll have great sex with desirable sex objects. Sex-positivity tells us that we’ll have great sex if we bond with other real people.

  2. I think the difference is between talking/thinking about it like “sex is interesting the way a hobby is interesting” and “sex is a prize I won.” Like, it’s okay to be happy or excited you had sex; it’s not as okay to be proud or smug.

    Expressing affection and respect for partners when you talk about sex goes a long way towards cutting down the All About My Dickness, too. “I had sex with X, who is awesome” takes out a lot of the macho-threateningness.

    There are always some people who manage to fit any mention of sex into their preconceptions, who will mentally translate “I had sex, yay!” into “Fear me, for I have gained another sexual conquest!” You can’t completely avoid that. But I think you can head it off somewhat by being sincere and vulnerable about your happiness and humanizing about your partners.

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